Friday, October 13, 2006

Off in the distance


Two A.M. I got off work two hours ago...
I sit on the porch, smoking a cigarette and this is one of those rare times I'm drinking a beer.

As I smoke my Marlboro and drink my drink I wonder how I have gotten to this particular moment in my life.

As I smoke my smoke and drink my drink wondering how I've gotten to this point in my life, somewhere off in the distance, a lonely dog barks a deep lonely song.

And while the dog, alone n the cold, barks his song I wonder what else my life could be and who else I could have been under a different set of circumstances.

And as I smoke my smoke and drink my drink listening to the lonely song of the dog while wondering how I got where I am and became who I am and who I could have been it occurs to me that I might have, with a tweak in upbringing, been a drunk or a drug addict.

I could be beating a wife, who in her twisted sensibilities, needs the beatings.

And as I smoke my smoke and drink my drink listening to the lonesome barking dog, realizing that I could be a wife beating drunk I think that, perhaps, if that was my life then my son would probably be watching.

And as I smoke my smoke and drink my drink, off in the distance a second dog begins barking with the first and as I think of how, in another circumstance, I could be teaching my son how to drink and angrily beat a woman, there is a high probability that I wouldn't take any accountability, or perceive this cycle at all and to me, my perception would be that I was the victim. That everything in my life had made me this way, a victim every day of my life, and that everyone I lashed out at in some way was to blame for my abuse of them.

And as I smoke my smoke and drink my drink and think about who I might have been and the life I could be living, with a small tweak in my upbringing, a third dog joins the barking night time song and it no longer sounds very lonely. I realize that my life doesn't seem so askew.

I'll go to bed, wake up in the morning and face the same problems I went to bed with. I'll be thankful that my upbringing gives me the strength and fortitude to do so.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think sometimes a lot of people forget that you guys are human beings.

Thanks for getting up in the morning, and thanks for sharing.

Brandon said...

Beautifully written as always, stay safe out there & enjoy the rest of the week.

Anonymous said...

Glad I didn't mess up to badly.

I.:.S.:. said...

Please accept compliments on a thoughtful and entertaining read... officer. Best cop blog bar none.

I smoke my smoke and drink my coffee and think it would not have taken much to be different and I could have been an officer of the law instead of a gypsy-ass freelance journo and still struggling needle-scarred one-time dope addict.

Wouldn't have taken much to be different at all. I think you must have an interesting job. There aren't many things you can choose to work at in modern life that challenge you at every human aspect: stretches your intelligence, puts you in physical danger, have to be sharp in dealing with people, have to master yourself to a degree. Some roles in the police might provide this sort of all-round challenge, this sort of whole experience.

Does it make sense to you?

Thanks for the good read, anyway.