Two A.M. I got off work two hours ago...
I sit on the porch, smoking a cigarette and this is one of those rare times I'm drinking a beer.
As I smoke my Marlboro and drink my drink I wonder how I have gotten to this particular moment in my life.
As I smoke my smoke and drink my drink wondering how I've gotten to this point in my life, somewhere off in the distance, a lonely dog barks a deep lonely song.
And while the dog, alone n the cold, barks his song I wonder what else my life could be and who else I could have been under a different set of circumstances.
And as I smoke my smoke and drink my drink listening to the lonely song of the dog while wondering how I got where I am and became who I am and who I could have been it occurs to me that I might have, with a tweak in upbringing, been a drunk or a drug addict.
I could be beating a wife, who in her twisted sensibilities, needs the beatings.
And as I smoke my smoke and drink my drink listening to the lonesome barking dog, realizing that I could be a wife beating drunk I think that, perhaps, if that was my life then my son would probably be watching.
And as I smoke my smoke and drink my drink, off in the distance a second dog begins barking with the first and as I think of how, in another circumstance, I could be teaching my son how to drink and angrily beat a woman, there is a high probability that I wouldn't take any accountability, or perceive this cycle at all and to me, my perception would be that I was the victim. That everything in my life had made me this way, a victim every day of my life, and that everyone I lashed out at in some way was to blame for my abuse of them.
And as I smoke my smoke and drink my drink and think about who I might have been and the life I could be living, with a small tweak in my upbringing, a third dog joins the barking night time song and it no longer sounds very lonely. I realize that my life doesn't seem so askew.
I'll go to bed, wake up in the morning and face the same problems I went to bed with. I'll be thankful that my upbringing gives me the strength and fortitude to do so.
4 comments:
I think sometimes a lot of people forget that you guys are human beings.
Thanks for getting up in the morning, and thanks for sharing.
Beautifully written as always, stay safe out there & enjoy the rest of the week.
Glad I didn't mess up to badly.
Please accept compliments on a thoughtful and entertaining read... officer. Best cop blog bar none.
I smoke my smoke and drink my coffee and think it would not have taken much to be different and I could have been an officer of the law instead of a gypsy-ass freelance journo and still struggling needle-scarred one-time dope addict.
Wouldn't have taken much to be different at all. I think you must have an interesting job. There aren't many things you can choose to work at in modern life that challenge you at every human aspect: stretches your intelligence, puts you in physical danger, have to be sharp in dealing with people, have to master yourself to a degree. Some roles in the police might provide this sort of all-round challenge, this sort of whole experience.
Does it make sense to you?
Thanks for the good read, anyway.
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